The
unnecesarry death of Tyler Clementi and the issue of shame
Rutgers University student Tyler Clementi seen here playing violin at
his home church, Grace Church, Ridgewood NJ, part of the Willow creek
association, committed suicide after being shamed by his roommate for
bring gay. Taylor jumped off the George Washington Bridge after Dharun
Ravi and Molly Wei had secretly taped a video of Clementi having sex
with another student, and then posted it online.
His roommate Dharun Ravi’s twitter posting on his micro-blog gave
damming evidence of what Ravi did to entrap Tyler including "Roommate
asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly's room and turned on
my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay." This was followed
later of a live video stream seen by all.
The death had shocked the Rutgers University community and both Dharun
Ravi and Molly Wei are facing criminal charges which if convicted could
mean jail terms from 18 months to 5 years. Steven Goldstein, of Garden
State Equality, said in a statement "...We are sickened that anyone in
our society, such as the students allegedly responsible for making the
surreptitious video, might consider destroying others' lives as a
sport,"
The shame for Tyler, a quiet and sensitive boy for his most intimate
private moments seen by the “whole world”, must have been incredible. It
was the shame of being naked, and seen having sex, exposing him to be
gay. He could not face life anymore, for how could he face people
knowing that they could be laughing behind his back, joking about his
naked pictures, and making fun of him. It was made far worst because he
was gay and the shame it brought being exposed.
Tyler may also have had difficulty to face his family, as the news would
have spread and soon everyone in town would have known about the video.
He would have been forced to admit to his family that he was gay.
Many gay man would have taken
years to be out to themselves, then to their friends and finally to
their family. Through this video, Tyler would have faced an amazing rush
of emotions, shame, and self condemnation that many would have taken
decades to reconcile their sexual orientation with, yet Tyler had to
come to terms with it overnight. He probably had committed suicide
because he could not face himself, his friends, and family.
Tyler was said to be a quiet boy, and often we are quiet because we have
the core of our being – our sexual orientation to hide that it really
damages our emotions and restricts us. We are made to be inward looking
and self-conscious vary of what others may say because of our sexual
orientation. This self
consciousness can kill us emotionally if all our secrets are revealed
even the pictures of us naked in bed. Gays often suffer from incredible
shame.
Tyler apparently attended Grace Church which is part of the Willow Creek
Association, a group of evangelical conservative churches. Having
internal conflicts between our faith and sexual orientation amplifies
the incredible emotional turmoil, self condemnation, and shame.
In Soulforce visit to Bill Hybel’s Willow Creek Church, it talks of a
church willing to engage with the GLBT community and having a very warm
and welcoming atmosphere. Yet, it does not change the core reality as
reminded by Berry Schmidt an elder at Willow Creek who said that “Willow
as a hospitable congregation, even though the church does not accept gay
and lesbian members who don't stay celibate.”. Therefore, it was sex
that is the main issue. The sex video of Tyler with another man not only
would have outed him to the church but also having sex. If Tyler had
been outed for being gay (without the sex part), he probably would still
be accepted and there would be a period of soul searching by the family.
However, the issue of sex would have made it far worst for Tyler to come
to terms with.
In a most gracious and Christian response, Jane and Joe Clementi,
parents of Tyler had issued a statement stating that "Regardless of
legal outcomes, our hope is that our family's personal tragedy will
serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity,"
Tyler Clementi had posted a Facebook status saying "Jumping off the gw
bridge sorry," after the broadcast of his sexual encounter.
He may have been saying sorry to
his friends and family for the hurt and shame that he thought he would
be giving them. Yet, it was the toxic and homophobic environment at the
university and at church that had probably prevented a sensitive young
man from coming out.
Having a shame to hide, makes us overtly sensitive, and self conscious,
and often become very quiet. It is so important to turn the shame into
being proud of how God has created us. As Tyler was playing his violin in church
to the chorus "Glory to God in the Highest", the beautiful sound of his
violin would have touched the heart for God, for God already had
accepted Tyler and his sexual orientation even though his church and
perhaps even Tyler himself may not have been proud of. But God was proud
of him and today Tyler is with God, in a far better place.