Often, I feel uncomfortable with my older gay christian friends who has been through so much in life taking the thought of suicides so casually and this destruction of their lives and the lack of concern for the sanctity and dignity of their lives is caused by being severely emotionally violated by the Christian Church as a whole. It is often difficult to bear the rejection of family and society, with our conflicts with our Christian faith often the final blow.

Being gay is innate, and when the Mega Churches using religious and emotional traps to the weak and vulnerable, attempt to change this unnaturally, the damage is often permanent, and takes a prolonged time to heal. Often, a life time is spent to recover rather than living fully for God. When we see the young Gay Christians now growing up with so much potential and freedom, when ours is often filled with pain and suffering yet the grace of God ever present. We grew up with no such freedom yet crucified to the core of our being for being gay.

We often like to potray the potential of GLBT Christians to be "wounded healers" just like Jesus was. However, the wounding is often unique and far deeper than appreciated. How much time we should say "God loves you just as you are?" to the GLBT Christian? For some, the soul and spirit within is dead, long time killed to be revived again. A supernatural miracle is required, a special touch from God that cannot be gained from reflective theology that only redeems the mind but not thespirit and soul within.

  In the above "Sissy boys" experiment by George Rekers, we see the extreme harm caused by Christians who actually didn't care so much for gay people, rather on a crusade to "cure" gay people to prove that their theological view was correct. It was a self centered motives for their own religious "reconciliation". The church as a whole has supported their efforts and now open to the calls for recompense for the grave harm caused.

The Christian Right had violated the young and vulnerable, at an age when they were emotionally and psycologicaly vulnerable, with any harm causing permanent damage to their entire lives. They have used the Christian faith as a potent tool for grave harm to the most vulnerable. They had sinned against both Jesus and men.

The harm caused by the Christian Right after 40 years of ex-gay psycological abuse and emotional torture in the name of Christianity would be a sad testimony for many years to come and would be a torn in their side due to the many lives emotionally and physically destroyed.

The Catholics paid billions of compensation for the sexual abuse of children in their care, but the evangelical Christian faith will pay in kind many times over. The lives lost, the many suicides caused by the inner person being surpress and forced to died on the inside will be a sin to the Christian Right. The blood of the innocent calls out to God for justice and recompense. Why are prayers not answered many would lament? because our hands are filled with blood.

(Isa 59:3 NKJV) For your hands are defiled with blood, And your fingers with iniquity; Your lips have spoken lies, Your tongue has muttered perversity.

The bible is not so much for social justice, rather for those who caused harm to be taken to task. When we raised our arms high to praise God, yet the blood of the innocent is in our hands, it cannot be washed away easily. We can speak fervently in tongues, bring spiritual fire, and all may help, but the general enviroment of the sin already commited by the Evangelical Charismatic Christian faith against the gay community cannot be discarded.

In Malaysia, churches such as the Full Gospel Assembly continues to be the main supporters of anti-gay groups. The blood on their hands continue to grow and the "yeast" or the "leavan" of this sin upon the church is multiplied many times over until it becomes a stumbling stone to the rest of the church. Why are our prayers for the sick or for revival is seldom fully answered?

The "sissy boys" will grow up, often with their sexuality oppressed along with the rest of their character of who they are. Some have managed to come out of this emotional nightmare to form groups such as "Beyond ex-gay", "Ex-gay watch". Many are living zombies, emotionally, and spiritually. The mere mention of Jesus Christ sends them fleeing in fear of their past tormentors and nightmares.

(Mark 9:41 NKJV) "For whoever gives you a cup of water to drink in My name, because you belong to Christ, assuredly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward.

(Mark 9:42 NKJV) "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.

When the church as a whole destroys the core personality and sexuality of a person, along with any possiblity of coming to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, causing emotional suicide, it is not just any sin. It is a sin to be noted and condemned as Jesus said worthy to receive the capital punishment.

How does one survive such emotional and psychological destruction of one's life right to the core and depths of existence? It is to come close to God, to come close to Jesus. A mere intellectual acceptance or making God as an idea will not do. It has to be real, God must be reached and touched at a spiritual plane.

We begin to approach God with great humility because we have been humbled by life's circumstances and rejection. We are humbled to the core of our being, discarded, rejected, thrown away and ridiculed by the church, family and society. We approach Jesus, broken and wounded bowing down not blaming God or rejecting the reality of God in Christ but yearning for God's grace, and mercy.

They said that no one has seen God, and that is a lie from hell, for Jesus came to earth, as a man, as a real person, and didn't left us empty but gave us the Holy Spirit that in essence, He continued to stay on through the Holy Spirit who connects us with Jesus now sitting at the right hand throne of God. Jesus is here, closer than we think, waiting and watching for us to come back to Him.

When GLBT Christianits talk about spiritual food, it is no longer the shallow religion and intellect based reflection of liberal and conservative theology, but a tangible move of the Spirit of God, as real as receiving the loaves and bread from the hands of Jesus. It is not an intellectual or thinking faith where we worship our theological constructions, but a deep and tangible spiritual connection with Jesus Christ, the reality of God. A God constructed with our own minds and theology is just an empty delusion.

I see a picture today of Jesus Christ standing in our midst, and I saw Him smiling at a young boy, and giving Him loaves of bread and fish to eat.... break the bread today says the Lord of Hosts, for my body is broken for you. Eat, and received my healing. Drink of the wine, that my blood may flow in you to bring wholeness and blessings to your broken lives. Forgive those who has robbed and taken your life away, for in Christ, you will receive a new life and never again I will let them hurt or harm you.

We are that young boy.