Rutgers University student Tyler
Clementi seen here playing violin at his home church, Grace Church,
Ridgewood NJ, part of the Willow creek association, committed suicide
after being shamed by his roommate for bring gay. Taylor jumped off the
George Washington Bridge after Dharul Ravi and Molly Wei had secretly
taped a video of Clementi having sex with another student, and then
posted it online.
His roommate Dharul Ravi’s twitter
posting on his micro-blog gave damming evidence of what Ravi did to
entrap Tyler including "Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I
went into molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out
with a dude. Yay." This was followed later of a live video stream seen
by all.
The death had shocked the Rutgers
University community and both Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei are facing
criminal charges which if convicted could mean jail terms from 18 months
to 5 years. Steven Goldstein, of Garden State Equality, said in a
statement "...We are sickened that anyone in our society, such as the
students allegedly responsible for making the surreptitious video, might
consider destroying others' lives as a sport,"
The shame for Tyler, a quiet and
sensitive boy for his most intimate private moments seen by the “whole
world”, must have been incredible. It was the shame of being naked, and
seen having sex, exposing him to be gay. He could not face life anymore,
for how could he face people knowing that they could be laughing behind
his back, joking about his naked pictures, and making fun of him. It was
made far worst because he was gay and the shame it brought being
exposed.
Tyler may also have had difficulty to
face his family, as the news would have spread and soon everyone in town
would have known about the video. He would have been forced to admit to
his family that he was gay. Many
gay man would have taken years to be out to themselves, then to their
friends and finally to their family. Through this video, Tyler would
have faced an amazing rush of emotions, shame, and self condemnation
that many would have taken decades to reconcile their sexual orientation
with, yet Tyler had to come to terms with it overnight. He probably had
committed suicide because he could not face himself, his friends, and
family.
Tyler was said to be a quiet boy, and
often we are quiet because we have the core of our being – our sexual
orientation to hide that it really damages our emotions and restricts
us. We are made to be inward looking and self-conscious vary of what
others may say because of our sexual orientation.
This self consciousness can kill
us emotionally if all our secrets are revealed even the pictures of us
naked in bed. Gays often suffer from incredible shame.
Tyler apparently attended Grace Church
which is part of the Willow Creek Association, a group of evangelical
conservative churches. Having internal conflicts between our faith and
sexual orientation amplifies the incredible emotional turmoil, self
condemnation, and shame.
In Soulforce visit to Bill Hybel’s
Willow Creek Church, it talks of a church willing to engage with the
GLBT community and having a very warm and welcoming atmosphere. Yet, it
does not change the core reality as reminded by Berry Schmidt an elder
at Willow Creek who said that “Willow as a hospitable congregation, even
though the church does not accept gay and lesbian members who don't stay
celibate.”. Therefore, it was sex that is the main issue. The sex video
of Tyler with another man not only would have outed him to the church
but also having sex. If Tyler had been outed for being gay (without the
sex part), he probably would still be accepted and there would be a
period of soul searching by the family. However, the issue of sex would
have made it far worst for Tyler to come to terms with.
In a most gracious and Christian
response, Jane and Joe Clementi, parents of Tyler had issued a statement
stating that "Regardless of legal outcomes, our hope is that our
family's personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy
and human dignity,"
Tyler Clementi had posted a Facebook
status saying "Jumping off the gw bridge sorry," after the broadcast of
his sexual encounter. He may have
been saying sorry to his friends and family for the hurt and shame that
he thought he would be giving them. Yet, it was the toxic and homophobic
environment at the university and at church that had probably prevented
a sensitive young man from coming out.
Having a shame to hide, makes us
overtly sensitive, and self conscious, and often being very quiet. It is
so important to turn the shame into being proud of how God has created
us.
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