|The love of God|
The struggle between gay and being Christian comes down to not whether God can accept our sexual orientation, but whether we have faith to believe that God is a good God as we struggle in a hostile religious environment, and society. We struggle just to survive, spirituality, emotionally, in our work, and in our relationships seeking God to find peace and rest.
For me, Christianity is the revelation of Christ as Lord and Saviour through the Word of God, and the relationship and walk with God in a tangible and supernatural manner in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Jesus is the way, and the truth to heaven. His goodness and His love surrounds me.
I sought the name of Jesus when I was 10 or 11. I only had the hymn book which tells me that Jesus is my Lord and Saviour, and that He loves me. I had only been to church once, the True Jesus Church in Pudu Malaysia and could not even hear what the Pastor said because I could literally not see the pastor when sitting down because the adults were so tall and blocked the view of the pastor.
Yet the name of Jesus stucked with me. It was such a profound and wonderful name that I could not get rid of in my mind.
Over the next few months, I would look up to heaven and talk to Jesus asking Him whether He actually existed, whether He was the Son of God, and to show Himself real to me.
And then one day, after a very sunny day and challenging God again to show Himself, there was a dark storm, and whilsts I was bathing, the presence of God came. My knees buckled, and I fell to the ground bowing down because of the Holiness of God. Jesus answered my prayers, and answered my questions.
I was a sinner bowing down to a Holy God. I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and cleansed me by the living waters at the age of 10 or 11. No church, no pastor, but in a toilet with the showers of hot water falling unto my head as I knelt down before Jesus of Nazareth. That was my baptism with Jesus.
There was a certain brightness and glory and awesome presence of God that I will never forget. My first experience was the Holiness of God.
At a very young age, I knew that I was not attracted to girls but to boys, but I kept it surpressed.
At the age of 19, I had another experience of God, about the love of God. I had spend two months, just reading the bible, and praying day and night in my summer vacation having nothing to do as all my university friends in Australia had returned to Singapore/Malaysia for the holidays.
Alone with God, the presence of God came down, and I was again slained to the floor with the touch of the love of God and the words of Ps 91 that God will protect and keep me safe. I was very passionate for God. I sought the face of God and sought His heart. I loved God.
I went to a church camp, and there was a mighty prophet preaching, and he called me out, and the word of God he gave was again Ps 91. I loved God very much, but it was easy to love God when all is well. The pastor had said that God will protect me through the storms.
And the storms came one by one which challenged my love for God, and when it was all over, I had lost my girl friend because it was my fault for it was friendship and not love that I shown her. She was a church leader, and I felt that I had to leave church and go another place to seek after God's heart. It was so obvious, for I was gay and could never show her that intimate love.
I ended up in Singapore, in City Harvest Church at Hollywood theatre in Payar Lebar. It was a very good church with Pastor Kong Hee and Pastor Sun. Through the trials, I learnt about faith, to believe and trust in God.
I stayed at City Harvest church for a few years. One night whilst camping with the Cell Group, I was reading the bible and the word of Isaiah came to me about how God would show His grace and mercy to the Eunuchs in the hosuehold of God.
I cried the whole night, for I felt that the Eunuchs in Isaiah was not talking about those who became Eunuchs because of man, but those who were born Eunuchs from their mother's womb.
For many years, I was running on the oil of my love for God, and faith in the name of Jesus. That night, it was God loving me, and saying that even though I will not have children because I was gay, He will have a special place for me in the Kingdom of God, and He will take care of me. It was God's love, grace, and mercy that had flooded through my soul and spirit.
When City Harvest and Pastor Kong Hee had a campaign to weed out gays, and begin inviting ex-gay ministries such as Choices and Pastor Sy Rogers to come into the church, I knew It was time to leave City Harvest Church.
I didn't tell the CHC Pastor I was intending to leave for NCC because a CG friend going to NCC had an exit interview with Pastor Sun which was a one hour sermon against the grace teachings of NCC.
In year 2000, I left CHC and begin to worship at New Creation Church for a number of years, and learnt about God's grace, mercy and love for me. I rested for more than 5 years there until one day I had a debate with an online person called "cherubin" whether being gay was innate, and whether it was the result of the fall.
After the online debate, I left to go to a gay meeting place in Neil Road, although a sauna was a very well setup with books, coffee, and a big lounge room. The lounge room and the outdoor upper room was actually my closet where I go to rest.
I had never talk to anyone at the lounge room and had always been alone up there. Then I met a guy who was very talkative who said it was the very few times he came to the sauna, and did not know why he was there. It was the same person, the angel "Cherubin" whom I had debated earlier in the forum. He was also from New Creation Church.
We spent two hours in the upper room that evening worshipping God, with hymns - two gay guys half naked talking about Jesus and yet the Holy Spirit came and we worshipped God. God sent him to meet me where I was because He loved me so much. He came and He found me to bring me out of the closet to proclaim God's love to the gay community.
Whilst we we singing hymns to God in the upper room of a gay sauna in Neil Road in the open air with the heavens above, the presence of the Holy Spirit came. The patrons were stunned and whispering silently.
It was by God's grace and mercy, for the angel "Cherubin" was in the music ministry in New Creation Church and he had such an annointing for worship. Hence, in the greatest of irony and in God's humourous ways, the website http://www.psa91.com came to be because of New Creation Church.
God was sending me out from my closet, out from NCC and to FCC, a gay church.
That was some 8 years ago
I saw "Cherubin" recently at New Creation Church. He was in the front stage along with the worship team. What a great and annointed worship lead. It reminded me of God's love, grace and mercy, after I had sojourned in the Free Community Church for the past 8 years.
The promise of God in Ps 91 had remained with me. God didn't leave me. My love and passion to seek after God's heart some 20 years ago may not be as strong as it was as a zealous teenager.
I am much older now, and my strength and passion in my younger days are no more. It is replaced by God's grace, mercy and love for me.
My dreams of doing Bible School at CHC which didn't happen because I left CHC, came to pass recently when I completed BS at Encounter Missions International (EMI).
As I look back, being gay has humbled me, and led me through the road in the wilderness where there is little water but only the harsh winds of life and suffering. It was an emptying of self, of pride, of life itself to find the love of God in Christ Jesus.
God had planned every step of the way, even though I did not realise it, from my time at CHC where I found my partner of 10 years, to sending the angel "Cherubin" to see me to start this web site and to come out of the closet and attend FCC, and for the great friendships at NCC, FCC, and at EMI.
I am coming back to place where I left twenty years ago - to be at Jesus' feet listening and resting, and just being with God, being at rest in the House of God. Soon, I will retire. Through the many years, it was not my passion and love for God that really mattered at the end, but His love, His faithfullness, His grace and mercy.
Perhaps, to God, I was still the young child of 10 or 11, the Gentle Lamb, sitting at Jesus' feet, so innocent in a harsh world. It's time to come rest and to study the Word of God so that the Gospel of God's grace and salvation can be preached to a lost tribe, for there is a large harvest field beyond the eye can see, of rainbow colours.
The harvest field is ripe but the labourers are very few. Rain is coming of God's grace as we see gay marriages being legalised in the states.