|A time to graduate|
Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Phil 4: 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I will be graduating from Bible School in the next few days.
A friend introduced me recently as a person who lost his fellowship! It just dissapeared he said! I was taken aback, and said yes, I did loose. I smiled... I did loose and much more.
This month has been rather strange. Praying more and seeing the honor of God coming through in my life. It was the first time my picture appeared in the news paper in an award advertisement, first time for me to give a presentation award myself to my workers, and the first time to see the grace of God in action.
Today is the start of something new and the word of God from Phillipians 4 so strong in my heart. :-
a. Let my gentleness be evident to all. Not hiding but let who am I come out and in doing so become real and alive and human.
b. Be in content.
c. Be in prayer of thansgiving and petition.
d. Have a vision beyond myself for it is God who strengtens me to do all things. All things are possible in Christ Jesus.
I had wanted in my life to do many things, each of which I had to close the door because it was not the right time or the right place - I got into a Phd scholarship but didnt start, obtained a two years mission support to Thailand but at the last minute pulled out. There were so many things I had wanted to do eg attending YWAM discipleship, and the City Harvest Bible school. But it was all not to be.
For God had something better, and that is a journey of two decades, a journey of faith through the valleys of the shadow of death.
It started with the last minute pull out from missions to Thailand, then a breakup with my girl friend who was a church leader, accepting that I am gay, going to Singapore, leaving the mega churches, reconciling my faith and sexuality, creating a web site on gay christian reflections, and loosing my own fellowship.
Every step was a humbling experience of coming out, being authentic, having to be content. It was a discovery of my own humanity and to live in content.
I like the hymn, trust and obey for there is no other way but to be happy in Jesus, but it is easier to sing than to loose all.
I wrote a testimony a few years back. It talks about my own coming out to myself and to God.
Many years earlier, I knew that I was gay and was attracted to guys. But sincerely seeking a normal life, I went for relationships with girl friends. Many were good friends but there was never the biological urge. It became good friendships only. Sitting outside, the church doors [City Harvest at Payar Lebar], it finally dawned onto me that I was getting old and perhaps may never have a family which he so strongly desired.
As I stood playing ‘I love you Lord?’, more tears came streaming down my cheeks. It was difficult to love God. It cost a lot – to have faith. For in a stroke of injustice, I was 5% of the population who is Gay despite not wanting it. There was a slim chance of only 1 in 20. But what ill fate? To be alone, to live in a closet that no one knows. To cry every night for God to take away this torn yet He did not. The sense of loneliness grips my heart. There was no one to turn to. It was Christmas for others for not for me.
That night, as I played and sang ‘What a friend we have in Jesus?’, it was a hope that Jesus was with me for He seems so far away. My friends could rejoice for they are straight, but for me, it marked a life lost, a death of dreams of hopes. There have been many previous dreams. Attending bible college was one of them but that was not completed due to church and work commitments. These were minor deaths. But tonight, my whole life, my dreams to be a blessing for the work of God is no more. I would live and die a quiet life, a wasted life just because I am gay. But tonight, as I worshipped God, there was seemingly a very strong presence of God comforting me.
I knew that with the strong condemnation of homosexuality the church, I must soon leave for the roller shutter doors of the church have shut forever for me. I would leave behind friends, loved ones…. to find himself. … to be alone with God.
I believe this morning that God remembered my testimony and said that you will graduate one day, not from the college of a big mega church but still graduate ... but do more to write your own journey of faith in finding yourself and in finding the Christ in the desert places of life.
My idea of a church or a fellowship or a cell group has been based upon the following order:-
for which there are not many gay ones.
The world is a harvest field because people matters to God.
Gay people matters to God because we are beloved and because we are the rainbow nation whose colours reflects God's mercy and grace to the nations, to the least of the peoples.
I had a dream when I was visiting City Harvest a few weeks back. I saw God put on me a jacket of many colours/strips, that He gave Joseph. Put it on said the Lord of Host. Don't be ashamed. Put it on.